Stop "Just Showing Up": How Being Intentional Can Transform Your Life's Journey
- Brian Duff
- Oct 6
- 4 min read
I've been falling in love with the work of coaching; holding space for my clients' worries, passions, and dreams. But whether it’s in my coaching practice or my life, I'm always looking for frameworks to make our time together meaningful and worthwhile. That's why I've been diving into Priya Parker’s brilliant book, The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why It Matters.
The book's central message is that our gatherings, from a family dinner to a board meeting, are often lacklustre because we haven’t been intentional about them. We all have a sacred contract of shared time together, so how should we actually spend it?
Parker's work is a manifesto for transforming how we connect, asking us to be deliberate and purpose-driven. It’s about creating memorable experiences, large and small, for work and for play.
The Core Principles of Artful Gathering
Priya Parker's wisdom boils down to a few key insights that apply to any human-centered endeavor, not just parties and meetings:
1. Drill Down to a Specific Purpose 🧭 The first step in gathering meaningfully is committing to a bold, sharp purpose. Don't settle for a vague category like "a meeting" or "a birthday party". Instead, "drill baby drill" to ask why you’re doing it until you hit a belief or value. A good purpose must be specific, unique, and even disputable. This purpose then becomes your filter or "bouncer," guiding every decision from the guest list to the venue.
2. Embrace Generous Exclusion 🚪 Contrary to the "more, the merrier" mindset, Parker argues that over-inclusion means you aren't committed to your purpose. Generous exclusion means intentionally setting boundaries for the good of the guests and to fulfil the gathering’s purpose. By thoughtfully keeping out the "Bobs", the people you feel obligated to invite, but who don't serve the purpose, you ensure everyone present is truly held by the group.
3. Be a Generous, Not a "Chill," Host 🤝 As a host, you have inherent authority. Deciding to be "chill" is a failure to gather well; your goal is to connect and protect your guests. This "generous authority" combines warmth and order to guide guests through the gathering and create a temporary alternative world with specific rules that encourage new, playful, and deeper interactions.
4. Preparation is Everything (and the End is Crucial) ⏳ An event doesn't start when people enter the room; it starts at the moment of discovery - the invitation. 90% of a successful gathering is put in place beforehand in how you prepare your guests. Similarly, the ending isn't an afterthought. It should encourage guests to make meaning and help them find a thread to connect the world of the gathering to the world outside.
A Gathering Mindset for Personal Change
The great news is that you don't need a huge conference room or a dinner party to apply this thinking. You can use Parker's principles as a personal framework for making a meaningful change in your own life. Just as I use the CUSP pathway to help clients transition from logic to limitless possibilities, Parker's principles help you design a transformative journey for yourself:
C - Centre: Defining Your Purpose
Question Parker Asks: Why are we really gathering?
Question for Your Life: What is the actual need I have right now? What is the core hypothesis of my personal life that drives my most important decisions? Don't just say "I want a new job" (category). Drill down: "I need to find a purpose-driven work environment that aligns with my values of service and creativity" (specific purpose). This clarity acts as your filter to decide which opportunities to pursue.
U - Uncover: Generous Exclusion & New Worlds
Question Parker Asks: Who fits and helps fulfill the purpose?
Question for Your Life: What habits, commitments, or even people are my "Bobs" - those things that don’t fulfill my purpose and may be detracting from it? To truly change, you have to be courageous enough to close the doors on what doesn’t align with your new "core hypothesis". Create a temporary alternative world in your life - new routines, "no phone" times, or a new circle of people, to disrupt the old rhythm and spark a fresh perspective.
S - Source: Hosting with Generous Authority
Question Parker Asks: How can I use my authority to connect and protect my guests?
Question for Your Life: How can I act as a generous host for my own life? This means stepping up with generous authority over your time, energy, and decisions. It is HARD WORK to let go of what defined you before, but you must protect your new journey. Be honest about the darker, unprocessed sides of your experience. Change isn't always positive, and sometimes the best growth comes from good controversy and pushing for your true experience over easy ideas.
P - Propel: Designing Your Reentry
Question Parker Asks: How do we prepare guests for reentry and connect the gathering to the world outside?
Question for Your Life: How do I turn my new insights into a clear, methodical action plan? Propel forward by designing practical, actionable steps that ensure the changes you make aren't temporary. What's the thread you're taking from this transformative gathering of self-reflection and into your daily life?
We are all searching for meaning, and time is precious. Gathering with a strong purpose - whether it’s a group of three or just you and your journal - is the key to transformative work.
So, what logical step could you take to design your next great gathering of self, and propel forward? 🚀
Ready to run your own experiment? Let's find out if we have the right chemistry to work together and turn your insights into action.
Book a complimentary session with me today!
